38 yer olds are good kisserssss
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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