My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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