Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
