got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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