he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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