in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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