i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
