I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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