He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
