Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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