My friends, they love my intelligence
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
