he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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