Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
