with your own penis?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
