wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My pussy is not your playground.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
