Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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