Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
