The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
