I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
