hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
So. Much. Porn.
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