Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
