I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
