Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
