Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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