Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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