Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
