i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
