Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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