and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
