Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
