i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
