there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
