I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
