My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
