I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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