I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
