The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
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