I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
