I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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