I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
