My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
