I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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