I wish I could teleport
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
