I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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