So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
