she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
