it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
