your parents love me but you hate me
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
please come you make the beer taste better
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
