I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
