Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
